Somedays he will have to pay his debts - guest post

This is a blog post I received from an anonymous source. I received it with all of my other blog posts that I used while on vacation. At the last minute this person asked me to hold off, not to use it. So I filled the space with another post. I received an email this last week that said it was time to post this. So... here it is - lend an ear and a shoulder. I cut and paste and apologize for any typos I did not catch - when one writes with emotion it is hard to worry about misspellings and commas. I know my dear readers that all comments will be supportive and filled with understanding. As Always, BFD

I remember it oh so clearly. Of the ffew things in my childhood that recall this one has left an indelible mark on my psyche. I was 7 or 8. The age of my young son. I remember him he was older, a teenager, the son of one of my mom's friend. His name was Billy

Him: "Would you like to play a game?"

Me : "Yaaay Billy....I love games."

Him: OK we need to take off all our clothes

Me: OK

Him: Do you know what this is?

Me: That's a pee pee

Him: Ill touch your, but then you have to touch mine

me: Ummm..OK Billy won't we get in trouble?

Billy: Oh no its fun, bit is our secret ok?

Me: OK Billy

That's how it started. I remember him asking me to touch it, put my mouth on it. I admit I get a bit nauseas just writing this. It is a secret I have kept with me all my life. I have only told but a few people. This happened on more than one occasion. The lying naked, the touching the inappropriate conversations. As I try to recall the details of my emotions I know I did not know it was wrong. How could I at that point I didn't even understand what sex was. I remember feeling different, weird, like maybe we shouldn't be doing that, but at the time I didn't know for sure.

The injury really did not occur until a grew older. When I began to understand what had happened. I guess in hindsight ( no pun intended) he never did penetrate me, and in some weird way I am thankful for that. Of course my mom never found out..no one did. In those days you just didn't talk about those kinds of things. They seemed to only bring more shame on the victim rather than the perpetrator. My biggest regret is that I did not tell anyone. Not necessarily because it would have benefited me in any way, but I worry and wonder if Billy went on to molest others. Perhaps even his own kids.

For a long while I danced with the shame of what had happened to me. I wondered if I could have done something different. How I could have avoided the situation. How did I encourage Billy even though our parents left us together for hours in the basement unattended. I blamed myself for the longest time and lived with the shame that maybe I should have said no. I cannot say though that it ever really affected any of my adult relationships. I grew up to lead what I would call a relatively healthy and dedicated heterosexual lifestyle. Certainly nothing I would consider deviant or abnormal.

I have come to terms with what has happened to me over the years. I guess if there was one incredibly unfair side-effect was that I had to always be hyper-alert about my sexual behavior. I was deathly afraid of becoming a statistic by turning around and becoming a molester myself. Fortunately, I never even remotely felt any desire in that direction, but still I think about it and it makes me sad that Billy ever had that kind of power over my life. I wonder though. I wonder how many more there are out there, especially from my time when these things were less inclined to be reported. Why did I write this blog? I am not sure. Maybe because it was on my mind and up until this point in my life I have only ever told three people, and I am sure one does not remember because I only mentioned it in passing. The other was a professional therapist. Now I have told you, and although I have kept my identity anonymous in some small way I feel as if I have told the world., and the more people I can share this with the less power the event has over me

Still I wonder how many of you are out there still holding on to a similar secret. Afraid to tell anyone. Silently letting it possess your thoughts ands perhaps even your life. Allowing it to sit under the surface like a giant rock in a rushing river secretly causing turbulence and rapids above. I suppose if I could do one thing here by my act is encourage you to do the same. If you cannot do it on your own blog, then find a good friend and do it on theirs. Let the Billy's of the world know that we know who they are. That we know what they have done and WE are NOT to blame! We did nothing wrong they did, nor did we encourage them. We are not going to let them have power anymore. That the filth they created is on them and not us.

i don't know if I will ever see Billy again, in fact ,I don't even know what happened to him or his family. I mentioned his name to my mother not to long ago just to see if she has ever heard from his mother. My mother got really upset for some reason, and I never did get an answer. Oh well ..that is another 5 page blog. However, if I ever did run into Billy it would be way too late and certainly impossible to prove what he had done to me, but I know. That's right I know and I all I would have to say to him would be "I know what you did to me. You can deny it all you want, but I know. I forgive you Billy, but someday you are going to have to pay your debts". Then I would walk away and that would be the end of our conversation.